NUNC PRO TUNC

So I came across this very very old article again in Philippine Daily Inquirer's YoungBlood. It was about an incoming fourth year medical student who suddenly decided to quit medical school despite everything she has sacrificed in her pursuit of becoming a doctor. A lot of her colleagues were very much disappointed about her, telling her that her three-year struggle in med-school would have been put to waste. They said that their goal of becoming a doctor is almost becoming a reality. The writer in simplistic terms said that "it is not about the goal but it's about being happy." The writer is now a pre-school teacher.

I somehow was taken aback by the article. I'm almost finished with the career I am pursuing right now. But at the same time I am physically struggling towards achieving the goal I've put myself into, there is likewise a struggle going on at the back of my mind. A struggle in embracing the career path I am pursuing.

Without bragging, I do excel in most of my subjects, but as I see it, it's mostly triggered by my constant desire for challenge and gratitude to my parents who are supporting the school fees. Plus the fact that I am not a quitter.

Despite all these, I am torn between continuing this almost-finished goal and a career which would certainly make me happy. I know a lot of opportunities would be available for me in the near future if I finish this career path I am pursuing right now, and my parents would definitely be happy seeing me graduating. But, for me it's not enough. Nothing's enough for me than seeing myself free from doing what I really want to do.

Yes, I am lucky I get to go to school compared to others who even work for their school fees. But maybe it's just the way this life has to be. Nothing's fair, nothing's going to be as perfect as what you want it to be. You may get every material thing in this world, but gets only a small share in happiness. People really are born in this world to work for a balance of these two. And obviously, I'm not good at it.

It was so rare for me to go out on a Good Friday and this one's the first. I planned on having dinner with the one I am seeing right now since I am quite bored in the house. I prepared hours before the meet-up and actually went out an hour before it. I thought I need to smoke so I decided to sit on one of the gutters a few blocks before our meeting place. I saw there 'Manang', she was a cigarette and balut & penoy vendor. It's not uncommon for me to talk to strangers, especially sidewalk vendors, policemen and jeepney drivers. Oftentimes I start the conversation, but this time it was 'Manang'. She started it by warning me that the guy who just passed around is a pick-pocket thief. Well thanks to her I had been warned, so I kept an eye on my belongings. She continued to converse with me. She talked about her recent loss of a child who fell on a building being constructed. She talked about how she just actually managed to have her children get an education despite their status in life. At this point, I thought that I am lucky to have everything I have now. I get to eat three times a day and sometimes more than that. I get to buy some luxurious items once in awhile and get to party once in awhile.

I was inspired by 'Manang' and I promised myself after our conversation that I'll get back to the place and offer some help. While I was walking away from her, I thought she was an angel sent from above to remind me that I can change the way I am living my life right now..

Now, I know this may be hard, but "change is on its way.."

I miss someone who used to be a part of my life. All along I thought I have moved on. I am in a relationship right now but the thing is I just couldn't stop from thinking about my ex. Actually this is not the first time that this happened. It also took a long time before I moved on with another ex.

Now, back to this recent ex of mine. I know this is unfair to the one I am seeing right now but blame it on this social accounts I have. I just couldn't resist the temptation of looking at the sites this ex of mine have. There's a little bitterness in my previous statuses on facebook which obviously refer to my ex. I know I've been a little harsh on the statuses and some statements I've been posting to the point that my ex's personal life is attacked which do not even involve the breakup. And I feel so sorry for that. I just hope there's a better way to say this to my ex than texting, which I actually have not done yet. But in my heart I am so deeply sorry and I guess time will really heal all the wounds. All I know, is I was deeply hurt for the breakup because I have really given my all to the relationship and I've loved my ex more than any exes I had.

Hay.. I just wish that we both start on living our own lives, move on and be great in everything that we do..

Nunc pro tunc literally means 'NOW FOR THEN'. It is a phrase which theoretically applies to acts that are allowed to be done after the time expires.

I hope by starting this blog, I get to have the chance to rant about some things about an experience or an event which just happened, or just a thought or an idea which sometimes I could have shared with the people close to me, but for some reasons or circumstances I cannot or was not given the chance to.

Now this blog, I believe could very well serve my purpose as the proper venue of sharing my thoughts, ideas and some darkest and deepest secrets even if they've been stuck-up here in my head for so long.


-Paul